Regress? A Collection
by Gemini1179
Summary: Just a little self challenge to write a scene consisting of just dialogue. I think this will be a series of unconnected vignettes. They will all likely be based around the idea that Seven and B'Elanna are or will be romantically involved. Slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Regress**

or

_Why it's NOT always a good idea to call Security._

"Sickbay to Seven of Nine."

"Sickbay to Lt. Torres."

"…"

"Captain to Seven of Nine or Lt. Torres. B'Elanna? Seven? Doctor, scan Engineering for life signs."

"Scan complete Captain. Both women appear to be alive and…"

"and?"

"And, well… in close proximity."

*sigh* "Are they fighting again?"

"I don't think so Captain, while their heart rates and body temperatures are elevated, both seem to be coming down. …odd, Seven's biosuit should have maintained her temperature at its optimal level."

"Hmm, perhaps they've worked out their issues then?"

"This is the Delta Quadrant Captain, stranger things have happened."

"Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway."

"Finally. Seven, what is going on? Yours and B'Elanna's communicators have been off for the past two hours."

"…"

"Seven?"

"I… am unsure Captain. I have no memory of the last 2.18 hours."

"Well Seven, I might have an answer to that."

"Proceed Doctor… what are you… oh, Lieutenant…"

"Seven?"

"*gasp*…nothing, go ahead Doctor."

"Right, well, Seven it seems that we've picked up a random Borg interlink frequency signal being generated by a device in this Borg debris field we are traveling through. After Naomi Wildman spoke with the Captain about your odd behaviour this morning, the Captain and I have been doing a bit of research. With my knowledge of your Borg systems and the Captain's keen eye for science powered by a pot of black coffee, it seems that the signal is causing dormant neural patterns in your cortical node to manifest themselves and `take over' your body. But don't worry, we've solved the problem so you should have no more 'blackouts'. You say that you've lost 2.18 hours of time that you've been in Lt. Torres' office, has she indicated that you've been behaving differently?"

"…I believe her current behaviour and our current… condition, would indicate that that is a likely probability."

"What do you mean Seven? Can you be more specific?"

"~NO!~"

"B'Elanna?"

"Captain, I believe that Lieutenant Torres would prefer that the specifics of our… interactions for the past 2 hours _not_ be known."

"Well, give me the Coles Notes version then- the general idea Seven."

"…Lieutenant Torres and I seem to have… mated. Repeatedly. She is currently licking a bite wound on my cheek and whispering Klingon words of devotion in my ear."

*THUMP*

"Captain?"

"Hold on Seven, she's fainted. I'm putting her on a biobed."

"Very well Doctor. You can tell her when she wakes up that my wife and I will be on marital leave for the next 4 days. Seven out."

"Be'nal, you don't remember anything?"

"No, however, my cortical node should have recorded all the visual and sensory data from the past two hours. I may simply need to `jog' my memory somehow in order to access those memories."

"I think I can manage that. Grab the rest of our clothing… what's left of it. Computer. Designate the quarters of B'Elanna Torres now to the quarters of B'Elanna and Seven Hansen-Torres."

*BEE-BOOP*

"Computer, two to transport to the Hansen-Torres quarters."

~FIN~

* * *

><p>AN: Just a little challenge I set for myself to try and write a scene using only dialogue and no description. It was very tough. I kept wanting to add things like "The Captain looked at a puzzled Doctor" or "B'Elanna touched Seven's cheek". I'll probably do more as little brain breaks from R&D.


	2. Chapter 2 Borg of Chaotica

A/N: Had so much fun with the first one I wrote a few more. The next couple share similar themes so I wrote this one to post next. They're all slightly AU. The events of "Night" technically happened before "Bride of Chaotica". Reposted due to a small typo.

* * *

><p>Borg of Chaotica<p>

"Citizen of Earth, surrender! Do not resist!"

"I am Borg."

"Surenderrr..."

"The robot has been neutralized. May I leave now?"

"Constance! Geeze... Computer: freeze program." *BEEOOP*

"…"

"Seven."

"Mr. Paris."

"It's Captain Proton, and you can't just rip apart Satan's Robot. You're supposed to be my 'secretary' who gets captured, does a lot of screaming and gets saved by me."

"That would be an inefficient use of my time. My skills would be better served disrupting Chaotica's fortress Prevention Field."

*Sigh* "Belle Chiquita, you talk to her, she's your wife."

"Sweetie, in this story, Tom, Harry and I are battling the evil forces of Chaotica. His robot captures you and we have to rescue you."

"It was an inferior model. I doubt that… construct could restrain Ensign Kim."

"Hey!"

"Be'nal, this holo-adventure follows certain contrived storylines. Remember when those photonic life forms got stuck in the program? Even Captain Janeway took on a role in the Captain Proton program."

"Explain the Captain's participation in this program."

"Well, we can assume any character from the story to play. At that time, the only way to get close to Chaotica was through the character of his bride, Queen Arachnia, so the Captain played that part and stopped Chaotica."

"I… see. Mr. Paris…"

*sigh* "Captain Proton, what is the purpose of this Chaotica person?"

"Purpose? He's only the self-stylized 'Ruler of the Cosmos' and sworn enemy of Earth who constantly attacks with his army of minions. Captain Proton, Buster Kincaid and their allies are the only people capable of stopping him."

"...Indeed."

"Tom, I'm not sure I like the look in Seven's eyes..."

"What are you thinking O-Love-of-Mine?"

"I am thinking I do not like the part of Constance Goodheart. I would like to play a different part if you will join me, Bang'wI."

"Sure, I'm not stuck on Belle Chiquita anyway. Who do you want us to play?"

"I would prefer to play as Chaotica and have you as my be'nal, Queen Arachnia."

"Heehee, sounds good to me. Computer, delete holo-characters Chaotica and Arachnia, designate Seven of Nine as Chaotica and B'Elanna Torres as Queen Arachnia."

*BEEOOP* *SHIMMERRRR*

"Wait, what?"

"Tom, I don't like the look in B'Elanna's eyes either..."

"...Computer: resume program. Oh diabolical Beloved of mine, it seems that Captain Proton and Buster Kincaid are attempting to infiltrate our Fortress of Doom."

"Indeed. I shall organize our minions into an efficient force to crush this insignificant resistance. Earth will soon be ours. Then we shall make love in our master chambers. I leave you to deal with these 'heroes'."

"Ohhh I love when you talk dirty."

"Hang on a sec B'Elanna, you can't just switch sides."

"You are a fool to stay so long Captain Proton."

"Uh, Tom, I think we need to re-think our strategy."

"What? Why? Seven has left, I think the two of us can take B'Elanna."

"Muhahahahaha! You would speak of my Beloved and I, Queen Arachnia in such a way?"

"...fine... Surrender Queen Arachnia! If you co-operate I will ransom you back to Chaotica for the keys to her Ultimo Ray!"

"...uhhh, Captain Proton..."

"Not now Buster, use your titanium lasso to capture the diabolical mistress of Chaotica before she passes through the Prevention Field!"

"...Tom..."

"WHAT? Harry, you're totally ruining the atmosphere."

"Look."

"...oh crud."

"Minions! Swarm!"

*ZAAAP! ZAP! ZAP! PEW! PEW! ZAP! ZAP! ZAAAP!*

"EIIIEEEEEEEE!"

"Run, Harry! Run!"

~FIN~


	3. Chapter 3 No

NO

"No."

"I don't understand."

"I believe I am speaking in your native language Commander, you should have no problems understanding the word 'no'."

"But Seven, I don't understand why."

"I am not required to further explain my reasoning Commander, my answer is no and that is final."

"Please just give me one reason and then I'll go away."

"…you bore me."

"I bore you?"

"I was under the impression you would be leaving after I gave you a reason."

"But that's not a reason Seven."

"Why would I wish to willingly spend more time with a man who more closely resembles a wooden stump than a man?"

"I can't be that bad Seven."

"I would rather spend my free time watching the Doctor's most recent holo-slide show."

"Ouch. Ok, one more reason, then I'll go for sure."

*sigh* "I find it difficult not punching you in the face when I am around you. It seems to be a reflex that I have to be consciously in control of."

"What?"

"Your clear inability to listen is another reason, if you would like."

"You could give me a chance, I'll show you I'm worth it."

"…I will give you the same chance you gave me when I first came aboard Voyager."

"But I tried to blow you out of an airlock after you first came aboard…"

"Then it is either fortune or chance that we are currently walking past Airlock 6."

"…you wouldn't."

"…"

"…Seven?"

"If you ask me to go on a 'date' with you one more time, I may just."

*ulp!* "C-carry on Seven."

"Good day, Commander."

* * *

><p>"Seven!"<p>

"Ensign Kim."

"Glad I caught up to you, Chakotay didn't say anything other than you were heading towards the turbolift. I had to ask the computer where you went."

"…"

"I have something to ask."

"Is the communication system aboard Voyager malfunctioning?"

"What? No, I wanted to talk to you in person."

"I am off duty Ensign and have an appointment."

"On Deck 9?"

"I believe you had something to ask Ensign?"

"Yes-right, will you be free tonight around 2000?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I have this great holo-program featuring the Ktarian moonrise, I hear it's very-"

"Did you not attempt to 'court' me three years ago using that same program, Ensign Kim? Are you telling me you have never actually used the program?"

"Well, no, I was waiting for the right person to share it with."

"When you find that person, I suspect they will enjoy it. I know I did."

"…huh? You've been in that program?'

"Yes. Several times. The light from the Ktarian moon shining across the ocean makes for a lovely romantic setting."

"But why go by yourself?"

"I did not. Now, if you will excuse me Ensign, I have arrived at my destination."

"Wait, aren't these B'Elanna's quarters."

"They are."

"Oh, so you and B'Elanna have a project you're working on then? Something I can help with?"

"We are working on something together and no, you can not help."

*SWOOSH*

"Harry, what are you badgering Seven for?"

"Maquis, hey, I just wanted to ask Seven out on a date. Are you going to be keeping her long?"

"Yes."

"What about tomorrow then Seven?"

"I will be busy with B'Elanna tomorrow as well."

"Come on Maquis, how long are you planning on keeping her?"

"Forever, if she'll let me. Now stop pestering my wife and leave before I get a case of the 'punchies'."

"…So you two are…?"

"Good night Harry. We've got a baby to make."

"…gwaaa…"

*Thwump*

~FIN~


	4. Chapter 4 Just Seven and B'Elanna

A/N: Ok, so I've written five of these over the past two days. I've always thought Radiohead's video for "Just" was cool. Just what did the guy have to say? I found a transcript of the video and put my own Seven and B'Elanna twist on it.

* * *

><p>Just... Seven and B'Elanna<p>

"Kahless Seven, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there... Are you okay?"

"No."

"What happened? Did you fall?"

"No, physically I am functioning within acceptable parameters. Please leave me alone."

"Seven... have you been drinking?"

"I have not been 'drinking', I cannot tolerate synthahol."

"Why are you lying in the middle of the cargo bay? You could have broken my neck!"

"..."

"Look... what's wrong?"

"..."

"I'll... I'll call the Captain and she can help you-"

"NO! Don't let her touch me! Please leave me alone."

"Seven, you're starting to sound a bit... 'mad'."

"If you are referring to the casual word for 'mentally unstable', you need not worry. I'm not 'mad'. Just leave me alone."

"But, why are you lying down? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Lieutenant-B'Elanna, I cannot tell you... It wouldn't be right."

"Ok, that's the second time you've used contractions since I've come in here, now I KNOW something is up... besides the fact that you are lying on the floor of the cargo bay."

"B'Elanna, I am fine. Please, will you just let me lie here?"

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Seven, I'm calling Sickbay."

"NO! Don't call the Doctor!"

"You're really starting to scare me Seven. Just tell me why you're lying there! Tell me!"

"You do not want to know. Please believe me, I do not want you to suffer as I am."

"Is this about the Doctor trying to teach you about individuality? You don't think that there's any point, right? Is that it? Is that why you're lying there?"

"No."

"Tell me Seven! Tell me for Kahless's sake!"

"You want to know why I'm lying here? Would you take the risk? Would you do this with me?"

"Yes! Kahless yes, Seven!"

"You really want to know? Very well, I will tell you. I will tell you why I am lying here... But Omega forgive me... and Omega help us all, because you do not know what you ask of me..."

"Tell me!"

"...I- I had gone to the Captain's Ready Room to deliver a new proposal to increase fuel economy... her door was locked with a privacy code, but all bridge crew was accounted for so I concluded that the door was locked by mistake..."

"It's ok, Seven go on..."

"It is NOT ok!"

"..."

"...I had gone in and I saw... oh Omega I saw..."

"What, Seven?"

"Th-the Captain... she was... NAKED and pleasuring herself..."

*THWUMP*

"B"Elanna?"

"Just- just let me lie here with you Seven, please?"

"Accep-ok, B'Elanna, ok..."

"Hold me Seven..."

"Only if you hold me B'Elanna."

"...Acceptable."

~FIN~


	5. Chapter 5 NO part Deux

A/N: I couldn't help it. I wanted to do a full conversation with Tom but thought it'd be funnier to hear the aftermath.

* * *

><p>NO part Deux<p>

"This cannot continue Seven."

"I do not know what you are referring to Captain."

"Well, Chakotay is as jittery as a Klingon Tika cat and both Tom and Harry are in Sickbay."

"In my defence, I did not lay a finger on the Commander or Ensign Kim."

"And Tom?"

"…four fingers and a thumb."

"You punched him in the face, Seven."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I can only conclude that my desire to punch him in the face was stronger than the desire I had to punch Commander Chakotay in the face... curious."

"Am I going to regret asking why you have a compulsion to punch members of my Senior staff in the face?"

"I suspect you will not know that answer until you ask the question, Captain."

"…Seven."

"Yes Captain?"

*sigh* "WHY do you feel the need to punch members of my Senior staff in the face?"

"I do not feel this need with regards to the entire Senior staff, mainly Mr. Paris, Chakotay and sometimes the Doctor."

"You're not answering my question Seven…"

"Perhaps you need to rephrase the question?"

"Is there any special reason why those three create this strong compulsion within you?"

"Commander Chakotay bores me; I find him emotionally 'wooden'; I do not like his 'stupid grin' as B'Elanna calls it and he has repeatedly asked me on a date and could not seem to accept 'no' as an answer. The Doctor takes far too long to perform my physical examinations and uses this time to hint at his attraction to me. Mr Paris constantly makes lewd comments about myself, B'Elanna and the bulk of the females aboard Voyager and he most recently asked if I wanted to 'ride his starship of love'."

"And that's when you punched him."

"Correct."

"I think I'm beginning to understand."

"Thank you Captain."

"…so, what about Neelix and Harry?"

"What about them?"

"No strong feelings to hit either of them?"

"No, I quite like Mr. Neelix, his enthusiasm is entertaining and Ensign Kim is kind despite lacking any real confidence."

"Not sure how that explains why Harry is in Sickbay mumbling about Nirvana and grinning like a Ferengi who snuck into the Divine Treasury."

"He did take my rejection of his date better than Chakotay or Mr. Paris."

"Hmm… Seven?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Is… are you not attracted to males?"

"No, I prefer the female form, specifically-"

"You're attracted to women?"

"-yes, but only-"

"Then would you like to have dinner this evening in my quarters?"

"..."

"Seven, is there something wrong with your optical implant, your eye is twitching..."

~FIN~


	6. Chapter 6 MINE

A/N: This was an attempt to be a bit more serious. I picture B'Elanna as being at the 'edge'. Still fluffiness wins out.

* * *

><p>MINE<p>

"Enough."

"Excuse me?"

"I believe you heard me Lieutenant."

"Oh, I heard you alright, I'm just wondering if you're practicing for when I'm pummelling you with punches, Borg."

"You will cease this behaviour. You are needed to complete the Delta Flyer before the Malon finish their shuttle."

"Pfft. You're doing fine without me. Isn't that what you've always wanted Borg? More control?"

"You do not fool me Lieutenant."

"I don't know what you are talking about, now if you don't mind, I've got things to do."

"I do mind. I also mind the 'things' you have to do."

"Careful Borg, you are coming dangerously close to my personal life."

"Your welfare affects the welfare of Voyager. Voyager is my Collective, you are a part of that Collective, therefore, your welfare is important to me."

"Well isn't that some cold Borg logic."

"It was enough to start."

"To start what?"

"To care for you."

"Get out of here."

"This is a public hallway."

"I'm warning you Borg."

"Of what, exactly?"

"Of what? Of me turning you into a smear on the wall, that's what."

"Unlikely."

"Don't test me."

"Lieutenant, you posses neither the strength nor the skill to defeat me in close-quarters combat. This is not an insult to your skill or ability, but a fact. My bone structure is laced with duranium, I posses enhanced strength superior to Tuvok and have trained in Tsunkatse as well as having a wealth of combat knowledge from thousands of species. Shall I demonstrate?"

"Let go of me Seven."

"No. Your arms are pinned behind your back with by merely of my hands and you are pressed against the wall. You are vulnerable. You will listen."

"…"

"…please, just let me go."

"B'Elanna, I have watched you for months now. Your behaviour has changed since the communication from Starfleet saying that the majority of the Maquis were… killed. You have lost your 'fire', you work yourself to distraction and you engage in dangerous activities in the Holodeck. I can only conclude that you wish to die. Do you wish you had died with your friends? You do not need to waste time, I can end it for you now. It would be very easy for me to crush your larynx."

"…I don't want to die… I want to feel. I haven't felt anything since..."

"Look at me B'Elanna."

"…that's the second time you've called me B'Elanna."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I want to feel as well. I can only do that when you are near me. Your continued well being is important to my functioning."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying that I will no longer stand by. I am saying that you cannot continue to endanger your life, for it is no longer yours to endanger."

"…who's is it then?"

"It is mine. I am claiming you."

"You think it's that easy, huh?"

"This decision was not easy. I had wanted to approach you months ago with the proposal of a 'date'. However, you became distant but have now forced my hand, if you will not honour your Klingon heritage, I will. I am claiming you as my mate. I am strong and I can provide for you. In return you are to maintain your well being and return to your previous passionate self."

"…Seven."

"Yes, B'Elanna?"

"I can feel again, thank you."

"Good, now I'm going to kiss you, then you and I are going to solve the problems with the Delta Flyer. After we win this 'race' as the Captain calls it, you will resume your exemplary duty in Engineering. You will not go to the Holodeck again to 'feel', you will come to me. I will make you feel as you make me feel."

"…"

"Mmmm, Kahless Seven…"

"Now come, Bang'wI, we have work to do."

"Yes _dear_…"

~FIN~


	7. Chapter 7 It Has Always Been You

A/N: This I wrote just as feel-good fluff. B'Elanna is the playful 'aggressor' this time... oh, and it seems my staple of Janeway craziness makes an appearance as well. I always read the "..." as being a blank stare, a raised eyebrow, amused expression, or serious stare if the moment calls for it.

* * *

><p>It has Always Been You<p>

"Lieutenant."

"Yes Seven?"

"You have not answered my hails."

"That sounds like a statement."

"Why have you not answered my hails?"

"Do you... 'require my assistance'?"

"I... no. I... merely wanted to thank you for the power increase to Astrometrics."

"Well, you are welcome."

"Lieutenant? Are you unwell? Do you require medical assistance?"

"No, I'm feeling pretty good actually. Better than I have in a long time."

"This is atypical behaviour for you Lieutenant, you do not normally grant me a power increase to Astrometrics when I request one and you have never granted me one when I have not requested one."

"Maybe today is just your lucky day."

"Seven of Nine to the Doctor"

~Go ahead Seven.~

"Doctor, we may again be in the grips of a telepathic pitcher plant, has the Captain mentioned finding a wormhole to the Alpha Quadrant recently?"

~Not that I know of-~

"Have the crew recently received overly-enthusiastic correspondence from the Alpha Quadrant during our last communication?"

~You'd know better than I, Seven, you downloaded the last package. As for the Captain, I can certainly tell you she is NOT experiencing false bliss. She has come down with an allergic reaction to caffeine or coffee beans... it was not a pretty sight, I have her heavily sedated...~

"Then it may just be Lieutenant Torres. She is displaying unusual behaviour, currently she is... I believe the expression is 'holding back laughter' and she has granted a power increase to Astrometrics without my needing to request it with her, have it rejected, bring it to Commander Chakotay, listen to her yell at him for an average of 23.3 minutes, have it rejected again, then finally bring it to the Captain."

*snicker*

~Sorry Seven, I have my own problems... Mr. Paris! Keep that sedative drip constant! No! She's getting loose-~ *BZRT*

"Seven of Nine to Sec-"

"Belay that Seven. If I know Tuvok, he's already got a security squad posted outside Sickbay equipped with phaser rifles set on maximum stun. This happens every couple of years, the Captain builds up too much of a tolerance to caffeine or something and needs some gene therapy to cure it or something- I never asked the details."

"In...deed?"

"Seven?"

"Yes Lieutenant?"

"You know, you make this really cute face when you are confused. I love your angry face too, don't get me wrong, but your confused face is just priceless."

"I do not 'make' an 'angry' face..."

"..."

"...you love my angry face?"

"I love YOU Seven. Of course I love your angry face. I love everything about you."

"But... why? You have only ever displayed anger and impatience with me. Now you are telling me you love me. This behaviour is confusing and inconsistent."

"That's likely because I'M confusing and inconsistent. You provoke me, you challenge me, you excite me- anger is my natural response to these things to cover my emotional insecurities. I've been working with Tuvok on some things lately and have decided that I don't like being angry with you anymore. It is not fair to you and it would not be true to my hearts. I should say your hearts though as I am giving them to you, unconditionally."

"I- then why did you not answer my hails?"

"I was curious to see what you would do. I believed you would come though, you are honourable and kind when given the opportunity to show it."

"…Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now it's my turn- you mentioned the pitcher plant- that only showed us what we wished to see and when you saw me being nice you assumed you were being affected. Is this what you've been wishing? For me to be nice?"

"Yes."

"I guess it is your lucky day then, seems like you got your wish."

"I've gotten two of my wishes. One was for you to be nice to me, another was for you to love me."

"Is there a third?"

"There are many, but I would like to have just this one more."

"Then I shall grant it if it is within my power, what do you wish, Seven?"

"To kiss you. It has always been you."

"Your wish is my command."

~FIN~


	8. Chapter 8 Queens of Kang's Summit

A/N: I think the title rolls off the tongue well enough.

* * *

><p>Queens of Kang's Summit<p>

"Lieutenant Torres."

*sigh* "Seven."

"May I join you?"

"This is a public space, you can sit where you want."

"Indeed. Then I choose to sit beside you."

"Of course you do."

"You do not like me."

"At least it's not in question."

"I do not dislike you."

"Well good for you."

"May I ask what you are reading?"

"You may ask."

"..."

"If you must know... it's a Klingon romance novel."

"I already know, my optical implant can zoom, enhance, reverse or flip images if need be."

"Then why the hell did you ask?"

"Technically I did not. However, I felt it would be polite to ask if I could."

"And you wonder why I always yell at you."

"Actually, I do not. I am often very aware of why you yell at me."

"Oh, and why's that?"

"I intimidate you. It arouses you but you cover that arousal with anger."

"Pfft. Hardly."

"It is true and we both know it. My physical appearance, my intelligence and my strength all cause you alarm."

"Annoyance is more like it."

"Several human psychological studies have shown that young boys often tease and pretend that they hate the girls they are attracted to because they do not understand how to deal with the attraction."

"Last time I checked, I was a girl."

"But the principle is the same. You are attracted to me and do not know how to deal with that attraction."

"You're a bigger fool than I thought if you believe that, Princess."

"Perhaps, perhaps not. At least I am not a fearful tika cat who cannot admit her attraction."

"I haven't heard you admit anything yet, Your Borrogance."

"I am attracted to you B'Elanna Torres. You are intelligent... beautiful and completely unpredictable in your volatility. It is... stimulating." *sniiiiffff *

*grrrr...* "...you've crossed far into my personal space Borg."

"And the cowardly tika cat tries to brandish its small claws as it quakes in its fur."

"Be careful who you call coward, Borg, a Klingon does not take such insults lightly."

"If the fur is yellow..."

"You're out of your mind. Now get off my lap."

"Make me."

"..."

"I think we both know that palming my breasts will not cause me to move off your lap."

"I'm pushing you off me and besides, I'm not even attracted to women."

"Oh? So that is not "Queens of Kang's Summit" you were reading?"

"I- I read it for the descriptions of Qo'nos..."

"Indeed. Not for the rather descriptive depictions of female-female Klingon sexual relations?"

"Those scenes are famous for their eloquent use of Klingonese to capture the feelings and sensations of the women. It's educational. I am relearning my heritage you know."

"That I do and you still have not removed your hands from my breasts."

"Well, we're in the Mess Hall and... I don't want people to stare at them. These biosuits leave nothing to the imagination, everyone can imagine what you look like naked!"

"Dujeychugh jagh nlv yItuHQo'"

"I don't think you're interpreting that proverb correctly."

"It serves my purposes. There is no shame in admitting your attraction, B'Elanna Torres."

"..."

"..."

"...I'm not a morning person."

"That is because you have not awoken to the right person."

*sigh* "Damn Borg..."

"Resistance is futile."

"Just so you know, we'll be re-enacting all twelve love scenes from my book."

"Acceptable."

~FIN~


	9. Chapter 9 Truth or Dare

**A/N: This one took a left turn somewhere and I don't know how it happened. It was supposed to be another exercise in using multiple speakers. It ended up being a demonstration of how I think Janeway can work as a character from both ends of the spectrum- from frustrated celibate to... well, you'll see. I think she's inspired in this fic by her portrayal in RalSt's incredibly funny "Interviews with a Potential Lover."**

* * *

><p>Truth or Dare<p>

"Truth or dare?"

"...truth."

"Ok, Captain-"

"I reserve Captain's privilege to veto the question."

"-have you had sex since we've been stranded in the Delta Quadrant?"

"...with a crew member or 'other'?"

"Either."

"Yes, yes and yes."

"Holograms don't count."

"Do Ocampans, Talaxians, Kazon, Vaadwaur, Norcadian, Hirogen, the Borg Queen and Species 8472 count?"

*SPPPPPPFFTTTTT*

"B'Elanna, I think you owe Seven a new biosuit."

"Yes Lieutenant, please do try to projectile spit your next beverage in another direction."

*cough* *hack* *cough*

"Don't look so shocked kids, I'm a red-blooded woman after all, how do you think we've even made it this far? Tachyon particles and the deflector dish? Those damn things can only do so much."

"Sp-species 8472?"

"Yes Harry... let's just say that you don't have to be telepathic to hear them scream..."

"Captain!"

"Ungh"

"Kahless on a crutch."

"Kathryn!"

"You know Seven, it seems like you've missed a spot, if you want, I could always-"

"No! Thank you Captain... I am curious about the Norcadian though, the only one I can think of you having contact with is Mezoti-"

"Dear God Seven, no!"

"Then who?"

"Ah, I suppose you were a bit preoccupied at the time. You may remember the gentleman Tsunkatse champion you fought? His cooking *did* smell delicious..."

"I think I'm going to throw up instead of just spit up."

"Jealousy doesn't become you B'Elanna."

"This game serves little purpose other than encouraging the imbibing and expulsion of synthahol..."

"Ungh, can we get on with it? Captain, your turn."

"...bunch of daisies, every one... alright, Harry, truth or dare?"

"Dare, dare, dare!"

*sigh*

"I'm not going to dare you to kiss Seven, Harry."

*whew*

"...damn."

"I AM going to dare you to kiss Tom."

"What?"

"Oh, hell no Captain, Harry, you stay away from me..."

"Heehee, c'mon Tom, what's the matter? Starfleet is a handsome enough guy."

*glare*

"Smirk away Maquis, you're next."

"Harry, I'm warning you..."

"Need I remind you Tom, as Captain I don't favour gutless pilots."

"You did make and agree to the rules of this... social interactive debauchery."

"Harry, I say we do the shots."

"Straight Romulan Ale shots? Are you mad? That's why we make it the punishment Tom, two of those and you're done. We waste one now and we'll be screwed later- and not in a good way."

*mumble* "...that you'll remember..."

"Captain?"

"Nothing, Harry- carry on."

"I gotta rep, Harry."

"Heh, I'm not even going to touch that with a bat'leth."

"I do not think you are aware of your current 'rep', Mr. Paris."

"Man up Tom and we can exact our revenge on the ladies."

"...this doesn't leave the room."

"I think that goes without saying."

"Mr. Paris has already said it, Captain."

"I really need to teach you about colloquialisms, Seven. We can start at "to sleep with someone" later tonight at my quarters."

*growl*

"B'Elanna?"

"Ack! Cough, cough, drink just went down the wrong way, Seven- Tom, Harry, get at it already."

"...show mamma Janey some sugar, boys."

*kiss*

"Woot! I KNEW there was a reason Captain Proton and Buster Kincaid worked so well together!"

"...I need a drink... ANOTHER drink..."

"Me too. What the heck did you eat for supper, Tom?"

"Burritos. What? They're good."

"That explains the smell then."

"Huh, sorry Harry, I wouldn't have put you through that had I known."

*chug* "Ahhh. It's ok Captain. Now, my turn... Seven-"

*sigh* "Innn...deed..."

*snort*

"Perhaps you will not find the situation so funny, B'Elanna, once you are the target?"

"-so, Seven-"

"I like how you say my name."

"Then I shall endeavour to do so more often if that is permissible?"

"-truth, or dare?"

"It is."

"I can think of a few ways I'd like you to say _*my*_ name, Seven."

"Uh, anyone wanna switch seats with me?"

"No!"

"I do not think so Mr. Paris, I would prefer the Captain to remain seated between you and Ensign Kim."

"Don't be so shy, Tom, Harry. This couch is just the right size for a threeso-"

"S-Seven! You didn't pick. Truth or dare?"

"I believe I will pick... truth."

"...damn. Ok... Is there anyone in this room that you would have sex with?"

"Yes."

"Ha! You boys may call me an old broad, but I still got it. Seven, I'll even let you carry me 'bridal' style back to my quarters when this is all over."

"It is not you, Captain."

"Then who?"

"Ensign Kim has already asked his question and gotten his answer, Mr. Paris. I believe it is my turn."

"You should know better then to ask Seven a yes-or-no question, Starfleet."

"Just got excited is all..."

"Ooooooh?"

"Captain! Tom... sh-she got her hand on your thigh too?"

"I-I think it's time for those shots, eh Harry?"

"Nuh uh Flyboy, those are for punishments. Here, have another beer... or ten. Seven?"

"B'Elanna, truth or dare?"

"Hmmm..."

"Don't be chicken, Maquis."

*purrs* "Yes B'Elanna, loosen up... Harry and Tom are tense enough... it may take me a while to loosen these thigh muscles of theirs and I don't have enough hands for three..."

* sigh* "So help me Seven, if you send me anywhere near that couch... dare."

"Hmm, I was unprepared for a 'dare' challenge. Very well, in keeping with the theme, I dare you, B'Elanna, to kiss someone in this room, on the lips, for no less than 10 seconds."

"That's no dare Seven, c'mon Lana, let's get this over with."

"Helmrat, I'd rather kiss a Wookiee."

"What is a wookiee?"

"Something that doesn't make any sense..."

"If you like walking carpets B'Elanna-"

"Captain, if you finish that sentence, I will not be responsible for my actions."

"-prude."

"C'mon, Maquis, I guess I'm your best bet."

"Sorry Starfleet, Tom scared me off men for good... Seven, mind if I straddle your lap for this?"

"I- no, no I do not."

"Good, now prepare to be kissed."

*SMOOOOCH*

"Damn."

"You lost that, Tom? You're an idiot. I know I say it a lot, but you ARE an idiot. That said, I'm glad you blew it with B'Elanna because now we got to see this."

"Mmm, what I wouldn't give to have a taste of innocent meat again... just look at Seven's roaming hands; she's a natural..."

"Harry- another beer?"

"Yes please."

*chug*

*chug*

"aah... *hic* ok, you two you can stop now, B-blanna, your turn."

"Mmmm..."

"B'Elanna, could you get off Seven's lap, it was a nice show but you're blocking my view."

"Sorry Captain, not gonna happen. Seven-"

"Hey! Shouldn't it be my turn?"

"-I can ask anyone I want, Flyboy. Seven, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Would you like to leave this foolishness and come back to my room?"

"Yes."

"Captain, Tom, Starfleet- enjoy your evening. Harry, you might want to have a shot of that Romulan Ale after all..."

"Maquis?"

"Lana? She... Seven just got up and walked out with B'Elanna's legs wrapped around her waist...that was so hot."

"Pssht. Borg Queen did the same thing to me last time we... 'tangled'. I rocked her world... oh well, never let it be said that Kathryn Janeway didn't look at the bright side. It's just the three of us boys so have a shot or two 'cause I'm changing the game, we're now playing '_Captain Says'_..."

~FIN~

* * *

><p><strong>**South Park fans? How could I not make the reference?**<strong>


	10. Chapter 10 We'll Always Have

We'll Always Have Sainte Claire

"…so that was a bit awkward, huh?"

"In…deed. I would not have suspected that the Hirogen would be so… fascinated with… 'dramatic' concepts."

"That's one way of putting it."

"Explain."

"Well, I'd have said that the big, bad alien hunters seemed to have a thing for 'Soap Operas'."

"What is a 'Soap Opera'?"

"Oh, these terrible old 'tv' shows that Tom used to watch on that television I built him. They often used overly dramatic and convoluted plot lines to the point of absurdity."

"Indeed. Your being a French resistance agent carrying the child of a Nazi leader while being the secret lover of the local night club singer in an attempt to ascertain to whom her loyalty lies certainly counts as 'convoluted'."

"Yeah… why do you think they made me your lover as well? Seemed a bit unnecessary."

"Unknown for certain, although accessing my cortical node, I know that apparently they had tried making the Captain my lover but I kept rejecting her and she ended up in Sickbay too many times by my hand instead of by Hirogen hands."

"Ha, well, she and Neelix certainly made for an interesting pair from what the Doctor says."

"Certainly more interesting than Commander Chakotay and Mr. Paris."

"…yeah, Tom seems to have recovered from the bruising, however I think Chakotay is still conversing with his spirit guide."

"Do you have a spirit guide, B'Elanna?"

"I did."

"And now?"

"I don't."

"I… see."

"You know, it's not fair."

"What is not fair?"

"Well, you have the ability to remember what happened in the Holodeck, I don't."

"Why would you wish to remember a time when you were forced to wear a neural inhibitor which made you believe you were the character you were 'playing' in the simulation?"

"Maybe I want to know what it's like to be pregnant or just how far I went with 'the kapitan'... or 'Mademoiselle de Neuf'."

"I think I can say with some certainty that you spent very little 'quality time' with 'the kapitan' once the simulation began."

"Oh?"

"Yes, apparently you made numerous elaborate excuses to spend your evenings at Le Coeur de Lion cafe."

"Huh."

"Indeed. You seemed to quite enjoy my rendition of "That Old Black Magic"."

"Well even I can admit you have a wonderful singing voice."

"I- thank you."

"You're welcome. So... did we actually...?"

"Engage in non-reproductive copulation? Despite the fact that you were 'eight-months' pregnant?"

"You know, you could make it not sound like a couple of targs in a nature vid by saying 'love-making' or 'sex'; but yes."

"We did make love... several times. You were particularly energetic the evening I came back to recruit Commander Chakotay and Mr. Paris to help take back Voyager."

"Really? Well... was I any good?"

"...I have no other experience to compare it to, but Mademoiselle de Neuf considered it to be, I believe the expression is, 'mind-blowing'."

"I guess that's good to know- wait a minute."

"Lieutenant?"

"Lieutenant? Nice try but that's not going to distract me Seven."

"I do not know what you mean."

"I think you do- look at me."

"..."

"Seven, you came back to get help from Chakotay and Tom AFTER your neural inhibitor was disabled."

"I- you dragged me into an unoccupied tent and... I could not resist."

"Oh... are you alright?"

"...It was not something that I did not want."

"..."

"..."

"Seven."

"Yes, B'Elanna?"

"When the Holodeck gets fixed, would you mind going to Le Coeur de Lion for dinner with me?"

"I would like that."

"I can even wear a baby bump if you want."

"You are pushing it, Klingon."

~FIN~


	11. Chapter 11 Who's On First?

**Notes:** Personally, I think this could have been a masterpiece, but alas, I am simply not a good enough writer to pull it off. Had a lot of fun with it though and hope you do too.

* * *

><p><strong>Who's on First?<strong>

"Now it's time for two of our finest crewmembers to show off their talent and as my father used to say, "Talaxian Fire Noodles are best served on a cold plate…."

**…*cough***

"Um, yes, without further adeu, I give you Seven of Nine and Lieutenant Torres doing a… er, ~what?~ …comedy routine, I guess."

***mild confused applause***

"Thank you Neelix. Seven and I will be doing a bit of improv. I gave her the setup yesterday and we're just going to go with what feels right. Seven?"

"I am prepared and will succeed at soliciting laughter from the audience as a result of this endeavour."

"Well Seven, I'm going to Delta IV with you. You know, the General Manager of the Deltan Demons baseball team- your new team, gave me a job as coach as long as you're on the team."

"Indeed?"

"…yes, indeed. Aren't you interested in knowing the players you will be playing with?" ***nudge***

"I already am aware of the team's current roster, I downloaded it and reviewed it yesterday."

"Yes, but do you know their nicknames?"

"Casual designations are unimportant; I shall use their given designations."

***sigh*** "But Seven, nicknames are a part of baseball culture, and besides, this is Delta IV we're talking about, there are three Ilia's on the team alone. How can you communicate if a fast and efficient manner if you have to say the whole five-word Deltan designation so that three people aren't turning to you when you call for the ball?"

"…Your argument has merit, explain."

"Well, nicknames are unique to each player and very short to increase the 'efficiency' in communication on the ball field."

"Very well, divulge the 'nicknames' so that I may cross-reference them with their proper designations, my information did not indicate the position each individual occupies."

"Well let's see, on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second and I Do Not Know is on third."

"This is the information I wish to know; proceed."

"Who's on first, What's on second, and I Do Not know is on third."

"You said you were going to be the coach."

"Yes"

"You also said I needed to learn the 'nicknames' of the players to facilitate my integration and improve the efficiency of my play and offered to teach them to me."

"Yes"

"Do you not know the proper 'nicknames' of the players?"

"Well, I should."

"Then tell me who is playing first base?"

"Who is playing first base."

"Are you not aware of your responsibilities as coach?"

"I am"

"Then you should know who plays first base."

"I just told you that."

"You told me who plays first base?"

"Yes"

"You did not. I have an eidetic memory, you did not tell me who plays first base."

"I did."

"Then who is it?"

"Exactly."

"I am referring to the 'nickname' of the player on first base."

"Who."

"The first baseman."

"Who"

"B'Elanna Torres, I believe you need to go to Sickbay as your hearing seems to be damaged."

***chuckle***

"I can hear perfectly fine."

"I am asking you who is on first base."

"That is the man's name."

"That's whose name?"

"Yeah."

"Then tell me- proceed."

"That's it."

"That is who?"

"Yes."

"…you are being grammatically ambiguous."

"I'm just answering your questions."

"I wish to know what is the name of the individual playing first base."

"No, what's on second base."

"I am not asking who is on second."

"Who is on first!"

"I am attempting to proceed in a logical order."

"Then don't go changing the players around."

"I have not changed anyone!"

"Calm down Seven."

"All I wish to know, is who is on first base."

"You know it."

"Very well..."

"Alright."

"…what is the player's name on first base?"

"No, What is on second."

"I am not asking you who is on second."

"Who is on first."

"I do not know."

"Oh, he's on third, we're not talking about him. Let's get back to first base."

"How did we arrive at third base?"

"You said his name."

***snicker***

"…I am not amused, **Wife**. You will be spending the rest of the week sleeping on the couch if you do not tell me who I said was on third base."

"…Who's on first and I Do Not Know is on third."

"Then you shall sleep on the couch for the rest of the week- do you wish to make it a month?"

"Hey! You can't do that, I did as you asked."

"You did not. I asked for the name of the player on third base."

"I Do Not Know!"

***sputter!***

"Then I fail to see the logic of this dialogue."

"Well, the crowd is getting a kick out of it."

"Indeed, however they seem to be laughing at us instead of with us."

*sigh* "That is the nature of this kind of comedy, Bang'wI, they're laughing at your frustration because of the play on words I'm using as the nicknames for the players. The 'nickname' of the player at first base is "Who", the nickname for the player at second is "What" and the nickname for the player at third is the full phrase of "I Do Not Know"."

"…I see, then the comedy is derived from the generated frustration resulting from my misinterpretation of the 'nicknames' for the words as they are commonly used."

"Exactly."

"Then I wish to continue this exercise, Ensign Kim seems to have some kind of liquid coming out of his nose."

"I think we've done our job."

"Indeed, then I was successful. As I suspected I would be."

"Yes Dear, you were. Come on, let's sit so we can watch the Captain do her "Disappearing Coffee Beans" routine."

"…it had better include cups and clothing this time. Her 'Ready Room' needs to have an ongoing 'privacy' warning otherwise. My first dreams should not have been nightmares."

~FIN~

* * *

><p><strong>*** Abbot and Costello rule. I knew I'd never make it through the whole routine, but I think this captured the idea pretty well. It was hard to choose just who knew what because I could easily see Seven being 'gramatically' ambiguous and B'Elanna blowing her top. The last line might make this a spiritual successor to "Just... Seven and B'Elanna."***<strong>


	12. Chapter 12 Seven Who?

A/N: Someone asked me what the situation might be like if it were Janeway and the Borg Queen engaged in some Abbot and Costello hijinks and at first I said I would love to read it if someone would write it because I couldn't find any way to do it. Then a little wacky inspiration hit me and, well, here you go. Oh, I have to give props to HW's story "25 To Life" for the "resistance is fun" line.

* * *

><p>Seven Who?<p>

"It is simple: give me Seven or Voyager will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

"According to my Chief Engineer, "resistance is fun"... trust me, you don't want to be walking past Deck 9 Section 12 on a weekend evening if you've been experiencing... what's the term I'm looking for Chakotay?"

"Forced celibacy?"

"THAT's the one."

"Give me Seven!"

"Seven what?"

"Seven of Nine!"

"Cat's lives? I hear they're hard to get, even here in the Delta Quadrant."

"...no..."

"Spots in the batting order? I don't think that's legal even in the Ferengi rules to baseball."

"...nOOooo..."

"Well I'm runnin' out of things that come in nine's here 'Your Highness'. Crayons? No, I think those are sold by the dozen..."

"The Drone!"

"What! Where?"

"MY drone!"

"Sweet Gretchen's Pot Roast! Don't go shouting things like that! We're a bit touchy about Borg drones on the bridge here. Had one go on and on about us being small, chaotic and how she was gonna assimilate us this one time. But it seems that you already have it, you just said so. Chakotay?"

"That she did, Captain."

"Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Zero One- where is she?"

"That's... that's a whole lot of words. Chakotay?"

"Sounded like big words too, Captain."

"That's what I was afraid of. What's she looking for then?"

"SEVEN!"

"Look, you can't just HAVE a number, it's kind of necessary for the universe to function; if O.J. Simpson couldn't copyright "OJ" and screw over the orange juice producers, you can't have seven."

"My patience is growing thin Janeway, give me Seven or suffer the consequences!"

"Alright look- I'll talk slower if it will help. Do... you... understand... now?"

"Yes I understand! Give me Seven of Nine! Now!"

*sigh* "Maybe you should come over here and we can talk, I've got this great new French Roast blend pattern that is guaranteed to take the edge off that I'd be willing to share and I've been known to give a mean back rub- on the house of course."

"I will beam over five-hundred drones and assimilate your ship if you do not give me what I want!"

"Look, I'm trying to work with you here, I am. But alas, we have a policy on Voyager, "Only One Borg Allowed At Any Time", or OOBAAAT for short. We've got these sweet new shields (along with that sweet anagram) that prevent the beaming of Borg signatures onto Voyager, brilliant stuff really, created by my Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres and her wife, Annika Hansen-Torres- hey! You might know her, she was a Borg once."

"THAT's who I mean! Seven of Nine, former designation Annika Hansen!"

"Ooooohhhhh... thaaat's what she meant. We kept calling her "Snofine" during her first year on board. 'Seven *OF* Nine'... it makes so much more sense than the names we had for her. What were some of them Chakotay?"

"There was 'Ice Queen', 'Blondie', 'Borg Babe', 'The Nordic Goddess', 'Numbers', 'Hey You' and... Harry? What did you call her at first?"

"Heaven... *sigh*"

"Yeah, good times, good times... thank you Commander, Ensign."

"How DARE you refer to my favourite drone in such a manner!"

"...well someone sure is in need a good f-"

"Captain! My virgin ears!"

"Sorry Harry. Now Queen "B"- like I said it was only during the first year, and that was only until B'Elanna finally got wise and dumped Tom for the tall drink of beautiful ex-Borg. They were married after Annika had been aboard for just about a year and a half. Annika has since joined the Klingon House of Presba, so she's kind of 'off the market' as the kids say. Chakotay?"

"That's what the kids say, Captain."

"Irrelevant! I shall have my Borg drone and I am not leaving without her!"

"Ok, I'm seeing quite a bit of tension around your eyes and you posture is incredibly stiff. You're also looking less... 'moist' than usual. Why don't you come over, I'll grab Harry and we'll do an 'Asian Spa' kind of Diplomatic Meeting kind of thing. I can't really play with the crew as Captain, but as we all know, "What happens in Diplomatic Meetings, stays in Diplomatic Meetings." So what do you say?"

"...Captain...?"

"Quiet Harry, I'm working."

"...I have been having problems keeping my usual viscous sheen and my shoulder blade implants _have_ been stiffening up..."

"See? It also just so happens that I have a whole tub of 'Borg System' lubricant that I had for... well, it doesn't matter. Chakotay?"

"It's still in your Ready Room closet Captain."

"There you have it. I'll set up one of the VIP Guest Quarters and we'll beam you over in say... ten minutes?"

"Acceptable... and this Ensign Kim... he is truly... 'with virtue'?"

"Indeed he is, I've been looking for an excuse to have him rub lubricant all over me for a while now."

"...captain?..."

"Indeed, indeed. I will just swap into my 'evening wear' body and slip on over in ten then."

"It'll be fun, I promise. I even have a stash of 370 year-old Cuban cigars I'll break out for us. Chakotay?"

"Still in the bottom drawer of your desk, Captain."

"There you have it."

"Wonderful, Borg Queen out."

*squeak* "Captain?"

"You're going to be taking one for the team, Ensign... well, several, actually- but I promise to be gentle... the first time. Chakotay?"

"She was gentle with me on that planet we were stuck on together that time Harry."

*sigh* "If you say so Captain..."

"Buck-up Ensign, this is our chance to keep safe from the Borg for good- heck if you do a good job we might just get a new ally. Now go to my ready room, get the lubricant and cigars and meet me in VIP quarters one in five minutes. I'll have your outfit waiting for you there and don't touch the cigars, they're for me and the Queen. Oh, and Chakotay?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Tell B'Elanna and Seven this was their best plan yet."

"Aye Captain."

~FIN~


	13. Chapter 13 The Bartender

**A/N: I had been working on one specifically to be the 13th in this series, but I haven't gotten it just right. Here's one in the spirit of the season. Seven doesn't do things half-assed.**

* * *

><p>The Bartender<p>

"You come near me with that thing and I will hurt you Tom."

"Come on Lanna, it doesn't bite."

"I'm warning you."

"You can't possibly be that afraid of it."

"Afraid? No, trying not to vomit at what you're intending? Yes."

"Are you saying we didn't have something together?"

"One night. I was drunk, you happened to be in the right place at the right time- for you. I don't even really remember it to be honest."

"You can't mean that-"

"Can and do. Now scram Helmrat, I'm busy if you haven't noticed."

"But it's a Christmas party Lanna, you can't just be the bartender, we can have a hologram do that you gotta dance or something. There are traditions that need to be upheld."

"Not that one and certainly not with you now go rescue Harry from the Captain, she seems to have the biggest one in the room that she is putting to good use."

*sigh* "Fine…"

…

"Lieutenant Torres… may I ask a question?"

"Sure Seven, what'll it be? Virgin of course, I know."

"I- that is personal information Lieutenant-"

"Kahless Seven! I'm talking about a 'virgin' drink, it means no synthahol. You- I… gods… 'how does your foot taste Torres?' 'Oh, you know, the usual…'"

"I… don't believe eating one's foot is conducive to a healthy diet, Lieutenant."

"It's not. Certainly not in my case. Please Seven, we're at a Christmas party, call me B'Elanna?"

"Very well, B'Elanna."

"You look stunning by the way… not that you don't always look stunning…"

"I… thank you… Shirley Temple."

"Huh?"

"You asked if I wanted a drink earlier, correct? I have always wanted to try a Shirley Temple."

*chuckle* "Of course you do, one Shirley Temple coming right up. There you go. Don't go drinking it too fast now."

"I do not believe I will have any trouble."

"Well, there's a lot of sugar in there and that can make a person do silly things."

"Is that why the Captain is carrying some sort of large parasitic plant? Does it have some kind of narcotic or mind-controlling properties? She places it above a person's head and they seem compelled to kiss her. I have also noticed Mr. Paris carrying one as well. He has approached me several times with it already attempting to place it on my head. My threat to assimilate him if he came near me again- period- seems to have worked. I have also simply been avoiding the Captain seeing as her plant seems to hold more power than Mr. Paris'."

"Ha! You should have done that a while ago! Hey, I'd even be up for assimilation if it gave me the power to keep the Helmrat at bay. As for the Captain- she's just drunk. She had me line up five shots of 'Sex on the Beach' about an hour ago and she hasn't looked back."

"Is there… I suspect that asking about the Captain having 'Sex on the beach' would lead to yet another explanation of a colloquialism I have not learned."

"Shots of synthahol have always had crazy names: Purple Haze, Sex on the Beach, B-52… Liquid Boobs was one made up by some Maquis buddies of mine back in the day."

"I see. I shall have to learn the names of these 'shots' so that I do not make a fool of myself."

"Don't worry about it Seven, you're doing great. Avoiding the Captain and Paris are sure signs of an intelligent mind." *wink*

"It seemed the prudent course of action. Can you tell me about this plant they are using? I wish to devise a better defence against its power as I have no desire to kiss the Captain, Mr. Paris, Chakotay or Harry who has been standing beneath the plant by the entrance all evening attempting to get Crewman Celes to kiss him."

"You just have to say 'no' Seven. It's called Mistletoe and it is an old tradition where you had to kiss someone beneath it. Now people just use it as a 'no-strings attached' way of kissing someone without having to admit to an attraction or complicate things. Of course it is still a good way to let someone know you're interested. Some traditions say the larger the mistletoe, the longer the kiss."

"Indeed… I will be back in a moment."

"Uhh… no problem, I'm not going anywhere."

"That is complimentary to my purpose then."

…

"Well that was odd- what the? Did you bring in a whole tree?"

"This was the largest tree outfitted with this 'mistletoe' plant you mentioned that I could find."

"What are you…? If that falls on me I'll be very unhappy."

"Am I required to hold this over us as we kiss, or have I made my intentions clear?"

"Oh they're definitely clear and no, you can put that down. Preferably between us and the mob. Now get back here."

"So you are willing to kiss me?"

"What does my shirt say?

"Han Shot First"

"Wha- oh, wrong shirt. Never mind, I've done enough bartending for one night, the rest is yours if you want it."

"I do."

"Then let's share this tradition and later we can start one of our own…"

"Acceptable."

~FIN~


	14. Chapter 14 New Year

_A/N**: **_

_Don't ask why I'm on this "Janeway is in serious need of sexual release" kick because I don't know. I just think it is so against character to have her be incredibly promiscuous. She's a bit different in this one as opposed to "Truth or Dare" though. Oh, and this is a work of fiction, any similarities to actual persons or places is entirely **intentional**. :P Various references abound!_

_PS- Happy New Year!_

* * *

><p>New Year<p>

***groan*** "Captain's Log, Stardate… I dunno, it's a new year… _*hic*_ that's about all I know… PS- Romulan Ale should not be brought to a 'house party'… ever. _*hic*_ End Log."

"…ungh, those Haligonians sure know how to throw a New Year's party, huh?"

"…Mr. Paris, what are you doing in my bed?"

"Umm… you don't remember Captain?"

"Not much, no."

"Oh… well, don't ask why Harry and Chakotay are here either then."

"Good lord! Did the three of you have to carry me back here… wait, why is everyone naked? And where did that pineapple come from?"

"Oh boy… Chakotay! Get up! You handle this- I've got to get to the bridge for an… extra helm shift… yeah…"

"Sit down, Mr. Paris."

"…Yes Captain."

"Unn… I'm going to be walking funny for a week…"

"Mr. Kim, why are the three of you in my bed?"

"Captain! …you-you don't remember?"

"No Mr. Kim but I would like someone to please fill me in. And what is with that pineapple?"

"Uhh… Commander? Commander, get up, the Captain doesn't remember what happened."

***moan*** "Ahhh… morning everyone… Tom." ***wink***

"…Chakotay."

"Commander, if you would kindly remove yourself from my leg and tell me what happened last night at the house party we went to on Novasco Prime I would greatly appreciate it. I shall overlook the fact that the four of us are naked at the moment, and seriously, what is with the pineapple already?"

"Only four of us? Those other two fellows must have left sometime during the night…"

"Other two?"

"Yes Captain, you got… grabby as the evening went on. Seven nearly put you in a headlock after you grabbed her boob."

"…Seven-Seven! What happened to Seven? That poor girl, all that alcohol… and apparent debauchery… she's so innocent, Chakotay we need to find her!"

"I don't think-"

***SWOOOOSH***

"Are the Captain and her 'Forty Thieves' decent? If she's planning on playing 'Let's Find Seven's Implants' again, I may have to get violent."

"B'Elanna?"

"Maquis! Don't come in here!"

"…great, Lanna is never going to let me live this down…"

"Mr. Paris, Harry, Captain, maybe we should get dressed and go to your living room… slowly. I'm starting to see the appeal of your coffee addiction Captain."

"French Roast Espresso-Double-Latte in the morning will cure any hangover; it's a guaranteed Janeway family cure."

"Is that even an actual drink? I thought that-"

"It is if I say it is, Mr. Kim."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good, now get your clothes on, Tom is already half-dressed, and I'll get us some liquid ambrosia and we can get this all sorted out- and bring that damn pineapple, I want to know where it came from."

"Yes Captain."

"Seven! You're okay, thank goodness, I don't know what came over me, how I could lose you like that-"

"It is 'alright' Captain, B'Elanna 'rescued' me from your… advances, she kissed me at midnight and we spent the rest of the night together talking and kissing some more. I find that I really enjoy that activity with B'Elanna. We are 'going steady' now so I will need no further social instruction from you or the Doctor from now on."

"Subtle Babe, real subtle."

"Borg do not do 'subtle'."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Get a room!"

"Quiet Tom! Well, that takes care of Seven, now what about me?"

"Uh…"

"Err…"

"Umm…"

_*sigh*_ "What the boys are incapable of saying is that after your painful stint on the karaoke stage singing "It's Raining Men" with Chakotay-"

"I thought we were good-"

"The term 'good' would be relative, Commander."

"-the two of you gathered up a couple more bottles of Romulan Ale, a couple of Haligonians, Tom- who was failing epically at hitting on a tall Haligonian female- and Harry- who had three beautiful Haligonian females all over him loving his 'Sea Captain' persona- and headed back up here to the ship. Needless to say, Deck 3 has been empty since."

"What! I was- damn I don't remember being the Sea Captain…"

"Oh my, so… loud?"

"We found Tal Celes curled up in the turbolift shaking and mumbling _"ride 'em cowgirl"_."

"So, Chakotay, Tom, Harry, two Haligonians and me? All night?"

"You'd all know better than us, Captain."

"I wish I could remember. Well, gentlemen, any regrets?"

"None Captain."

"…three Haligonian females?..."

"Just that bit with Chakotay- I think you took liberties Commander."

"It was nothing that wasn't mutually reciprocated Tom. You're very good with your-"

"Yeah, so if I have to hear about the helmrat's 'skills' in the sack, I may throw up."

"I shall hold your hair if necessary B'Elanna."

"You're the best, Babe. I think I'll keep you."

"Are we done here? Maybe I can go back and find those females… I mean seriously, what a New Year's party!"

"They don't even know what our 'New Year's Eve' celebrating was about Starfleet- that was a regular weeknight for them."

"…wow, just wow, and here I thought that Kitchen Party we went to on New Fundlund was a wild time."

"I did not appreciate the tradition of kissing an aquatic creature."

"Kahless Babe, was that your first kiss?"

"Indeed it was, thankfully your kisses are exponentially better."

"Well, I should hope so."

"The Commander's kiss wasn't."

"You didn't even warn me! And then with all the 'sorry, there was no spark' business, I didn't even get a second chance!"

"Nor will you."

"ANYWAY, we're leaving the system in an hour Ensign. I expect all of you back to duty tomorrow."

***all*** "Yes Captain."

"Good. Well, B'Elanna, Seven, I must say, I'm happy for the two of you. Tom, Harry, Chakotay, I trust this evening will remain between the three of us?"

***mumbles*** "…and decks two through five…"

"What's that B'Elanna?"

"Nothing Captain."

"Gentlemen?"

"We're five-by-five, Captain."

"I won't be broadcasting it… stupid Romulan Ale… three… three Haligonian women…"

"I'd like to do it again sometime-"

***Tom, Harry, Seven, B'Elanna, the Captain*** "No!"

"…fine."

"Good, now that that's settled, I've just one more question: can someone please explain to me the story of the pineapple?"

~FIN~

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><p><strong>AN: If you don't watch "How I Met Your Mother"- you should. Also, there is a nod to Rebelgirl's "Realizations" in there as well. That great fic can also be found on ralst dot com.**


	15. Chapter 15 Chopped Liver

**A/N: Just something that popped into my head the other day. _- That was a month ago now, lol._**

* * *

><p>Chopped Liver<p>

"You can't go out with Chakotay."

"Lieutenant?"

"You heard me."

"I do not see how that is any of your business."

"He's no good for you. If he were to bring a plant as a date to a party, the plant would get more compliments; what do you think you'll get out of a relationship with him?"

"I- my... since the removal of my emotional inhibitor I have found myself unable to process and control my reactions to certain stimuli."

"So?"

"I have witnessed enough romantic interaction aboard Voyager to know that I am ill equipped to 'handle' it."

"...just what DID you conclude from spying on me and Tom?"

"That attraction follows no logical course. That even seemingly incompatible individuals can find some measure of emotional common ground."

"What was so incompatible about Tom and I? I mean, it didn't work and I'm glad I'm out of it, it sure helped me see things clearer, but why did you think that we were incompatible at the time?"

"...I- you are an amazing individual, he is not."

"Th-thanks. So... this business with Chakotay, you want something easy? Someone who doesn't provoke you emotionally?"

"I... there seems to be a common belief that a woman needs a man to be a complete individual, I believed that entering into a relationship with the Commander would help me to 'fit in'... finally. I-"

"You what, Seven?"

"I do not want to be alone any more. I was alone as a child as my parents neglected me; I was a lone voice in the billions crowding the Collective and since coming to Voyager I have been kept alone. I do not want to be alone any more."

"Settling is not the answer. Not for you. You're too special Seven, you deserve someone who will provoke you, challenge you and love you like no other can."

"I do not seem to have that as an option, I am looked upon in fear or as an object of lust by the entirety of the male compliment of Voyager's crew."

"So what am I, chopped liver?"

"You are far too intelligent, beautiful and aggravating to be chopped liver. I can't comment on how you might taste in comparison however."

"Well... that can be easily fixed."

"I do not understand."

"I know, I just came from a lengthy discussion with the Doc after he spilled the beans on your intentions-"

"He... told you?"

"Yeah, and since I have to... _*eye roll*_ "respect his nature as an individual", I didn't change his image to that of an overweight gizka farmer, but I did slap him for you."

"Thank you... but you have still not explained how you can fix my problem with the male members of the crew?"

"Yeah, we're not going to do that."

"But-"

"You can date women too, Seven- that's what the Doctor in all his limited wisdom forgot to mention."

"...indeed. While procreation would require external assistance, there should be no other reason why it could not work."

"Exactly. You really haven't noticed Celes and Nicoletti at parties? The Captain and the Delaneys? Johnson and Murphy? Paris and Harry- although that is both new and surprising, I'll admit."

"I had concluded that their friendships were simply very strong although confusing. This new information provides clarity for many situations I had previously not understood... and would explain a number of things I have overheard from Ensigns Jennifer and Megan Delaney."

"That- that I don't want to know... So I guess the question is, could you find what you need with a woman?"

"It would seem I already have and simply did not understand it. I already know of someone who is seemingly incompatible for me, someone who provokes an uncontrollable emotional response in me and someone whom I love."

"You can't go out with Chakotay."

"I have no desire to."

"You don't have to be alone ever again."

"I do not wish to be."

"I will love you forever if you'll let me."

"I do not think I can function any other way."

"We'll still drive each other nuts."

"I would expect nothing less."

"Then come on, I'll cook dinner and introduce you to 'chocolate explosion' cheesecake."

"I look forward to it."

"Good... and I'll expect your report on my comparison to chopped liver in the morning."

"Oral or written?"

"Don't ever change Seven"

~FIN~


	16. Chapter 16 What's Up Doc?

**A/N:** _Didn't even realize I had not posted this a long time ago. My notes from "Truth or Dare" really don't make sense without it as this was my first attempt at having multiple speakers._

* * *

><p>What's Up Doc?<p>

"What's up Doc?"

"So very funny Mr. Paris, your 20th Century referential skills never cease to impress."

"You know, you don't have to be in the Mess Hall with us."

"I felt like socializing, Lieutenant Torres, simply because I don't need to eat, doesn't mean I don't enjoy the conversation."

"They're right Doc, you seem… down."

"If you must know Ensign Kim, I feel like I've failed Seven of Nine."

"Oh? How so?"

"Is that a smirk, Lieutenant? Does this give you some sort of pleasure?"

"Just curious."

"C'mon Doc, tell us what's bothering you. Me and Harry will fix things."

"Very well. It's just that she seemed for a while to be taking to my lessons very well-"

*snort*

"Maquis?"

"…*snicker* sorry, go on."

"_Anyway_, after the disaster with Chapman, she no longer wished to continue our lessons on humanity."

"For good reason, I'd say."

"Lana, you're not helping."

"Doesn't mean it's not true. The Captain asked a sentient hologram, who has less than two years experience with self-awareness to teach Seven about humanity. How insane is that?"

"She does have a point Doc."

"I'll have you know Ensign Kim, Lieutenant- that I've adapted quite well to being an individual. My experience should have proven invaluable to Seven."

"Except that you don't even know how the evolution of your program is affecting you. You never ask yourself why you designed the biosuits the way you did?"

"I don't see how that matters now, seems that she has been able to create a Starfleet science uniform using the same technology."

"Wait Doc, I thought she simply didn't need the biosuits anymore which is why she started wearing the Starfleet uniform."

"That's because you're an idiot Tom, just like the Photonic Pervert over here. Seven could have been wearing standard clothing with the biosuit tech since day one."

"That's a little harsh Maquis."

"But true, Harry."

"Coming from anyone other than you Lieutenant, I might be offended, but I will concede that you may have a point."

"Wait, how do you know so much about this? …and I resent the idiot part."

"Because flyboy, I helped her design the new uniform."

"That's right, you two are all chummy now, any interesting gossip about our resident Borg?"

"…"

"That, my 'idiot' friend, is the look of a woman you do not want to cross."

"I still do not understand why Seven chose not to date again after her one attempt with Lieutenant Chapman. He seemed like a nice fellow, I thought the selection process was effective."

"AND there's the crux of the matter. You don't know the first thing about dating, Doctor."

"Maybe she just needs the right guy to step up and show some initiative."

"Ha! That's rich Harry, the last time Seven looked at you, you nearly wet your pants."

"It could happen, Tom."

"I find that hard to believe Ensign, if my own charms have failed to secure an outing with Seven, I see little reason why you'd be more successful."

"Both of you lack my charisma. I'll get Seven to come out of her shell, just you watch."

"B'Elanna's eye roll says otherwise Tom, you gonna stand for that?"

"Hell no. What are the stakes if I get Seven to go out with me, Lana?"

"Hmmm… how about… well, how many replicator rations do you have left?"

"I'd be careful Maquis, didn't you fall for Tom's charms at one point?"

"Briefly, and I still say I was suffering from PTSD."

"Of course DOCTOR Torres, then perhaps you can tell the Captain I'm no longer needed as well?"

"Nice one Doc. Speaking of the Captain and Seven, here they come, Harry try not to faint."

"Captain! Seven! Please have a seat."

"No need to stand Doctor. Good to see my senior staff enjoying their lunch, Neelix's food digestible today?"

"Well Captain, let's just say B'Elanna is lucky she has two stomachs, the Doctor is holographic and Tom is treating me to lunch with his latest bet winnings."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that last part. And while I'm busy not hearing things, I'll just go over and scrape up some food from Neelix, see you all in a moment."

"There is a seat open beside me if you want Seven, I'll even treat you to lunch, I'm feeling generous today and if I may say so, you look great in Science blue."

"You may say so, and no thank you Mr. Paris, I shall sit beside Lieutenant Torres."

"Looks like you should be glad you didn't finalize that bet Mr. Paris."

"What bet Doctor?"

"Bang'wI, had you been just five minutes longer, I could have won us like two months rations."

"Explain, Be'nal."

"Tom here thought that he could charm his way into a date with you."

"…Be'nal? Bang'wI?"

"Harry, I think you should check the Doc's mobile emitter, he's 'fritzing' again. Now, what do those words mean and why won't Seven go out with me?"

"They are terms of endearment Lieutenant Paris. B'Elanna and I have been married for six months. Hence I am free to do… THIS."

"Mmmmmmmm..."

*Thwump*

*Thud*

*Clink*

"Seven, B'Elanna, what I have I told you two about public displays of affection? Chakotay's three day coma was enough of a headache, although- minus having to do the paper work, I can't really say I noticed a difference... which might explain why no one else asked about Chakotay during that time either... BUT NOW, the Doctor is offline, his assistant and the only person I'd regularly subject to monitoring the auto-pilot has fainted as well as Ensign Kim- my Operations Officer- B'Elanna, you know how I like Harry's nervous voice letting me know how everything is going wrong during a Red Alert."

"Sorry Captain, I'll get the Doc's emitter up and running, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum can lie in their food for a few minutes for wanting to hit on my wife."

"…works for me. Now move over. To be honest B'Elanna, I would have thought you'd have told at least Harry by now."

"And spoil all my fun?"

"I too am beginning to see the pleasure in this activity."

"Told you I'd teach you better than the Doc."

"Indeed, Bang'wI, indeed."

~FIN~


	17. Chapter 17 The Champion

A/N: There is an alternate ending at the bottom that would have taken place after B'Elanna left the mess hall and the Delaney's came in.

* * *

><p>The Champion<p>

"What's all the excitement about?"

"You're gonna be so sorry you didn't take the vacation time with us, Maquis."

"Is that so?"

"Harry's right, you should have seen Seven, she was like some kind of Amazonian goddess."

"Kahless, can we go a day without talking about 'Her Borgness'? Between Harry's ogling and your constant innuendos, a girl starts to think she doesn't exist around here."

"Well, B'Elanna, someone seems to think you exist but that you think she doesn't."

"Captain, she couldn't have meant…?"

"Yeah, B'Elanna- wait, what?"

"Tom, did you not hear a word the woman said at the end?"

"…umm… I may have been distracted-"

"By her cleavage."

"-thanks Harry, but don't try and tell me you weren't looking."

"Duh, everyone was, but most of us can keep it discreet."

"…sometimes the coffee simply isn't black enough…"

"Can someone explain to ME what is going on?"

"Maquis, Tuvok has apparently been training Seven in martial arts for a while now and she entered the Tsunkatse tournament with him as her coach."

"She won four matches and took the title!"

"…wh-aat…?"

"She fought exceptionally well. I was a bit upset that she and Tuvok hadn't told me what they were doing- likely because I wouldn't have allowed it- but once she got in there… it was impressive, B'Elanna- YOU'D have been impressed."

"I heard she got fourteen breeding requests afterwards-"

*…grr…* "…oh?"

"Tom…"

"Sorry, Captain…"

"Her fights were the talk of the tournament, Maquis-"

*ulp* "She… fought well?"

"Yep."

"Uh huh."

"That's right."

*gulp* "…hand-to-hand?"

"Tsunkatse is a hand-to-hand martial art, Lieutenant."

"-but there also a tournament bracket for weapons as well."

"-which is tomorrow- Harry, did she say if she was going to enter that one as well?"

"She did."

"I may have to draw the line at weapon combat, I'll have to talk to Tuvok."

*eep* "Sh-she's gonna fight with weapons?"

"You ok, Maquis? You seem a little… bothered?"

"Yeah, you just get out of a Jefferies tube or something? You're sweating like a Ktarian gundark in heat. Oh and you should have seen the getup she was wearing, B'Elanna- black leather tank top and black leather pants. Her abs with the Borg ribbing were showing and it was…"

*squeak* "hot?"

"Oh yeah."

"Very"

"I might be a Captain who likes her coffee black and her men boring, but even I can appreciate what Seven had going on today."

"…"

"You'd have loved what she said at the end, Maquis."

"Harry…"

"…I missed that part… what did she say again?"

"Captain?"

*sigh* "At the end when the cheers went up, Seven roared until everyone shut up- except Tom who was already in a stupor- then she said that none of the attention mattered to her because the one warrior woman she wanted to prove her worth to chose not to see her every day- then she walked out."

"Wow- do you think it might be me?"

"She said 'woman' Mr. Paris."

"Captain won't say it but I will- you're an idiot Tom. You too Maquis, now get out of here and find Seven already."

"Why should B'Elanna go find Seven? She can't stand her."

*thump*

"…and here you let him fly she ship, Captain."

*muffled* "…sometimes I wonder myself…" *thump thump*

"If you keep thumping your head against the table it might bruise Captain, I'm the Doctor's assistant after all- say, where did B'Elanna go?"

"Hopefully to put an end to three years of unbridled sexual tension."

"Really? Finally! I guess she didn't say anything to me because she's going to shower and change before finally taking me up on my dinner offer from the other day- she just yelled at me to get out of the engine room so I figured she needed some time to mull it over. Took long enough though, I've only been working on her for years now…"

"…really, Tom?

"You know it Harry- flowers, dinner invitations, holodeck dates- all rejected- but you know what the key is?"

"Harry please tell him to stop."

*chuckle* "Sorry, Captain, I need to hear this- what's the key, Tom?"

"Persistence. Kinda like the Borg, ya know? 'Resistance is futile' and all that? B'Elanna just needed someone to give chase and not let go, to show her their worth and to cause that Klingon blood to boil."

"Mr. Paris, that might be the most intelligent thing you've said all day."

"Too bad it wasn't on purpose."

*snort* "Everything in good time, Ensign. Everything in good time."

"Huh? Well, I DO know the ladies- speaking of ladies, here come the Delaney sisters. Quick Harry, how does my hair look?"

*sigh* "I've got work to do gentlemen."

"I wish a simple eye-roll would make things better Captain, I really do…"

"Harry! …Captain- my apologies…"

"Don't trouble yourself Ensign, I was just finished my lunch and on my way out, have a good day. Tom, Harry, Ensigns."

"Captain swing by Sickbay later to get that bruise taken care of."

"Ma'am."

"Captain."

"Ma'am."

"Jeeen, Meagan, have a seat, Harry can move and you can each sit on either side of me."

"…umm, thanks Tom, but we'll sit over here by Harry-"

"-besides, you need to be facing us when you hear this."

"But you're both just facing Harry..."

"What's going on? Aren't you two still supposed to be on shift?"

"We were Harry, that is until-"

"-until Lieutenat Torres barged into Astrometrics, took one look at Seven, then growled and shouted something in Klingon I think, and then tackled her to the ground and started to-"

"-make out! They were totally going at it. Celes just fainted, so we took her to the couch in Seven's office and got the hell out of there when the clothes started coming off."

"Uh oh, Meg, I just thought- what if they move into Seven's office? Poor Celes might never recover-"

"-but it might be good for her Jen, she might finally work up the nerve to ask out Telfer-"

"-they'd be so CUTE together!"

"-I know right? ...Harry, what's up with Tom? He's kinda gone blank."

"I think his brain has finally gotten a clue. He'll be ok in an hour or so- probably will have wiped the whole thing from his brain in denial and he'll be back to pestering B'Elanna, Seven and every other woman on the ship in no time."

"Huh... So Harry, our place at eight?"

"Eight sounds good. Jen, wear the French maid outfit and Meg, the nurses outfit. I feel like being a rich surgeon tonight... a naughty rich surgeon."

*giggles* "Done!"

~FIN~

* * *

><p>*swish*<p>

"Lieutenant?"

"…Seven."

"Do you require my assistance?"

"…yes- but we'll talk about that later… I… heard you fought in a tournament today… and won."

"Have you come to boast about how you could have bested me?"

"Not in the least."

"Then why have you come?"

"Because you have bested ME."

"I do not understand."

"I…"

"You are shaking Lieutenant; your temperature has risen and you are sweating, I shall call the Doctor immediately."

"Seven! Don't… don't do that… please."

"If you are unwell-"

"Seven, just come closer."

"…"

"…closer…"

"…"

"…closer…"

"…if I come any closer Lieutenant, our bodies will be touching."

"Not if you keep calling me 'Lieutenant' they won't. I want- no, I NEED you to hold me. I am… trying very hard to do this right."

"Do what right, B'Elanna?"

"Tell you that I see you, that I've always seen you."

"…oh…"

"Think you can handle one more 'breeding request'?"

"If Mr. Paris thinks-"

"-from me, Seven."

"It was a joke, B'Elanna, but yes, that is a request I might accept."

"Might?"

"Do all Klingon's initiate a mating ritual by 'cuddling' their intended mate?"

"Smirk all you want 'Champ', I can take you down."

"Then I believe the only appropriate response is- bring it on."

"1900, holodeck 1, be there- and wear the leather."

"Acceptable. In the meantime?"

"In the meantime, I am going to kiss you and you'll finally understand why I've been shaking."

~FIN~


	18. Chapter 18 Valentines

**A/N:** _This is my first attempt at a Valentines anything. Not realizing how close it was to Valentines Day, I whipped this off yesterday. Not my best work. Heads up though, I'm working on an epic homage to Monty Python and the Holy Grail with one of these so if you are unfamiliar with the film or simply hate it- you've been warned._

* * *

><p>Valentines<p>

"This-this is the most annoying of all the days in the Human calendar year!"

"Seven? What the-?"

"Two hundred and thirty-nine!"

**Fwump!**

"Hey! I'm eating here!"

"I apologize Lieutenant, however there is no one else I can turn to in my time of need."

"Slow down Seven and take a seat while saying to yourself internally that you prefer to stand."

"..."

"Good. Now, back up to the beginning and tell me why you've covered my table and food tray with what appears to be a plethora of Valentines."

"Pick one. Any one, I dare you. Go ahead Lieutenant, do not be shy."

"Err... alright, let's see... here, from Ensign Johnson: "Seven Babe, roses are red, violets are blue, I'd like to bend you over and oh the things I'd do to you..." **snort** ...gross... and there's even a picture to go with it."

"Indeed! I have kept the one from NaomiWildman, but the rest are-are... filth!"

"They can't be all bad- here, one from the Captain: 'Oh but mine eyes doth drown in thyne azure beauty. Would that I could use my tongue to- ok, I'm going to stop there-"

"The Captain sent me a total of fourteen of these, each with a verse of this embarrassing limerick she seems to have concocted."

"Heh, well this one from Tom is creative at least."

"Indeed? Then perhaps you'd like to become his 'co-pilot flying down desire's deepest tunnel'?"

"Hell no. I can still laugh at them though. Are these really all from the crew?"

"Unfortunately and as you can see, some more than once . Ever last crew member except one. Even Crewman Celes managed to portray in her Valentine her nervousness and tendency to blush in my presence."

"At least she's trying. Anyway, I didn't give any out and I haven't received any, so count yourself lucky that at least people are thinking of you."

"You did not receive one Valentine?"

"Nope. I broke Tom's nose one year here in the Mess hall on a Valentines day when he tried to give me after I'd just dumped a bunch of them down the... hey, I think he used some of those lines on me!"

"Then perhaps you truly are the only crew member to be able to understand my frustration."

"I guess. So what are you going to do with them all?"

"What do you suggest? Is there a proper protocol for disposing of Valentines received?"

"Yep, it's a complicated procedure called: Dump them in a recycler."

"I see... I knew there was a reason I liked you Lieutenant."

"Yeah, yeah, well don't get all... what do you mean you 'like' me?"

"Like: as in to find agreeable, enjoyable or satisfactory."

"Huh. ...we'll talk about that 'satisfactory' bit later... ...you want to start a Valentine's Day tradition with me?"

"I am listening."

"Dinner. My quarters. I promise no roses, rose petals or anything even remotely pink or red."

"Will there be chocolate?"

"If you want."

"I do."

"Then there will be chocolate."

"Liquid chocolate?"

"Liq- what do you want with liquid chocolate?"

"Since I have no paper at my disposal to write out my feelings for you, I was thinking about doing it on you body."

"And here I used to hate Valentine's Day."

"And now?"

"Now I think it's just become my favourite day of the year. You promise to let me use the liquid chocolate to pour on your implants before licking it off?"

"If you wish."

"Then I think we have a deal."

"This day has become far less annoying than it had been earlier."

"I knew not giving out Valentines would pay off eventually."

"It is not the paper, but the person whom is important."

"On that, we both can agree. See you later?"

"I am hoping for later until forever."

"Forever sounds good. Happy Valentine's Day Seven."

"Happy Valentine's Day B'Elanna."

~FIN~


	19. Chapter 19 Nice Work

**A/N:** _Ch 22 of R&D is off to my Beta and barring some horrible news, will be up in the next week (maybe less). I'm working on my other projects as well and they are all in various states of completion. Here is a bit more sillyness I hope people will enjoy. As always, I love reviews- they are my catnip and inspire me to keep writing, but just knowing things are being read is good too, so no pressure ;)_

* * *

><p>Nice Work<p>

"It seems, Bang'wI, that our plan has worked."

"Plan? It wasn't really a plan, Love. Sabotaging the turbolift that the Captain and Myles were on and sending it to maintenance is how half the couples on this ship got together."

"Indeed, however we were the ones to finally do something about their attraction."

_*sigh*_ "You're right. I guess I know all about looks of longing and desire and I didn't want to see them waste the time we did."

"Bang'wI, you took me by the hand the first day I stepped out of my alcove here on Voyager and began showing me the ship while I was still in my Borg armour and the crew fled from my presence."

"I knooow, you looked so sexy in it too. Anyway, the night before when I was arguing with Janeway to let me keep you… err, US keep you… anyway, it was a long night."

"You never told me you fought for me."

"I fought for you when you were still connected to the Collective. Chakotay wanted me to fry your cortical node instead of severing your link… got what he deserved, I say."

"Yes… the Queen did seem… pleased, when we offered him up as a sacrifice. It was truly unfortunate that he was not aware of the bargain made ahead of time."

"'Indeed'… ha, I think the Captain had been looking for an excuse to get rid of 'Chuckles' for a while."

"He seems to be more productive in the Collective."

"Oh? The Queen still sending you e-vites to her 'Galactic Borg Ball'?"

"Yes, and we are going this year. Do not give me that look. If you behave, I will give you an extra long massage when we get back."

"My feet too? You know I can't handle the heels like you can."

"Especially your cute little feet. If I can keep myself from chewing on your delectable little toes."

"Mmmm… that can come later, tell me what's up with Chakotay."

"Chakotay, or Structural Drone One of One currently spends his days- and nights- propping up an oversized poster of 'Atlantic City' in the Queen's loft."

"So he's being put to good use then?"

"Indeed he is."

"Well at least everyone's happy."

"Agreed. Especially the Captain and Myles if the sounds I am hearing from the turbolift are any indication."

"We do nice work. Ok, reset the maintenance timer for 30 minutes, that'll give them enough time to… sort themselves out. We're supposed to meet Harry and the Delaney sisters in the Holodeck at 2000."

"We will not have to watch them 'mud wrestle' again, will we?"

"Nah, Harry wants to do something romantic for them. Keeping two pregnant ladies and their mood swings happy can be a lot of work, but he seems really happy about it. Honestly, I'm just glad Jen and Megan sorted out how they were going to equally share Harry before things could get ugly."

"I believe that the proposal by Mr. Paris to 'step in' and 'take one' would have been motivation enough to work out their differences."

"Having Paris leer at you is enough to send anyone running into the nearest arms. Still, I think your proposal of pooling their resources and getting a king sized bed was the right idea."

"As you said my Love, 'we do nice work'."

"We're not stepping in the whole 'Tom and Alice' thing though."

"Agreed, even I can admit he has taken the human-machine relationship too far."

"Come on now, she's been good for him."

"Besides that initial bout of homicidal mania?"

"Yeah, but once you got through with her for messing with me she's been alright."

"I would have destroyed every last bit of her existence when she tried to suffocate you after you went looking for the missing power cells if you did not notice the damage to her primary intelligence core."

"Yeah, turns out she's not so crazy when she's working properly. The new core casing and redundancy circuits should keep that from happening again."

"Still, I prefer my flesh-and-blood wife. My flesh and HOT blooded wife."

"Me too… it's funny, before you came aboard, I used to tell Tom 'only in his dreams' when he would hit on me. Now he actually does have a woman in his dreams. Funny how things work out."

"Indeed."

~FIN~

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><p>"All this place needs is an oversized poster of Atlantic City."- Which movie?<p> 


	20. Chapter 20 The Collective Monty

**A/N:** _This is my EPIC FICLET OF EPICNESS. I've been wanting to do something inspired by Monty Python for a while. Holy Grail is my favourite Monty Python anything so here it is. If you're not a fan of the old Monty, you can turn back now and if you don't know who I'm talking about- for shame... and go watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail._

_PS- Imagine the Borg Queen sounds like a female John Cleese circa 1974._

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><p>The Collective Monty and the Klingon Holy Hand Grenade<p>

"Who is there?"

"It is I, the Borg Queen, One of Many of the Borg Collective, perfection given form, conqueror of Species 8472-"

"Technically, it was Voyager that enabled the victory over Species 8472."

"I see you haven't learned manners during your time on Voyager, but what did I expect?"

"That I would fall all over you in gratitude. I have learned sarcasm as you can see. Who is that?"

"This is my trusted servant drone Patsy. We've ridden the length of the galaxy in search of unique individuals to add to the Collective and I decided to take you back from Voyager, hence your current predicament of being in this containment cell."

"What? Ridden on a horse?"

"Yes!"

"In space? That is highly unlikely."

"Oh, then why do we make these horse clopping sounds when we walk around?"

"You are using coconuts!"

"What?"

"You have two empty coconut halves and you are 'banging' them together."

"So? We have ridden since before your species called humans took their first steps, through a Class 4 nebula, through…"

"Where did you get the coconuts?"

"We replicated them, of course!"

"I have scoured the Borg database, there is no replicator pattern for coconuts. You are lying."

"Well… uh… we found them. Yes! We found them."

"Found them? Aboard Unimatrix Zero One? I find that highly unlikely. The humidity of the Collective is not conducive to the growth of coconuts."

"Well, Humans, Vulcans, Klingons and Hirogen all are native to distant places yet they are no strangers to the Collective."

"Because you assimilate them! Are you saying you have assimilated coconuts?"

"No not at all. They could be carried here."

"What? Why would a Human carry a coconut to the Delta Quadrant?"

"They might enjoy the taste."

"It is not a question of taste but practicality! Carrying a large quantity of one-pound coconuts-"

"Well that doesn't matter. Tell me Seven of Nine, will you serve me?"

"Listen. In order to have a large enough quantity of coconuts for a trip to the Delta Quadrant, a Federation starship would need to have a cargo hold three times bigger than a Soverign-Class starship, right?"

"Answer my question!"

"Am I right?"

_***huff***_ "Guards! You two. Drones. Yes come here. Good. Now, Guard Drones, make sure the 'Princess' doesn't leave this containment cell until I come get her."

**Guard Drone #1** "Not to leave the containment cell... even if you come and get her."

**Guard Drone #2** _***hiccup***_

"No, no. ***Until*** I come and get her."

"Until you come and get her, we are not to enter the containment cell."

"No, no, no. You ***stay*** in the containment cell and make sure ***she*** doesn't leave."

"And you will come and get her."

_***hiccup***_

"Right. Good, now I must be off to hatch another Borg plot-"

"We do not need to do anything, apart from just stop her from entering the containment cell."

"No, no. ***Leaving*** the containment cell."

"Leaving the containment cell, yes?"

"Indeed, you have it then, comply."

_***hiccup***_

"Right, complying. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we… oh, if… oh…"

_***sigh***_ "Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here and make sure she doesn't leave the containment cell. Comply."

_***hiccup***_

"Oh, I will comply. But uh, can she leave the containment cell with us?"

"No, no, no, no, you just keep her in here and make sure…"

"Oh yeah, we will keep her in here, obviously, but if she had to leave, and we were with her…"

"No, just keep her in here…"

"Until you, or anyone else…"

"No, not anyone else. Just me."

"Just you."

_***hiccup***_

"Now get back."

"Get back. We will comply."

"All right?"

"Right, we will stay here until you get back."

"And make sure she doesn't leave."

"What?"

"Make sure she doesn't leave."

"The 'Princess' aka, Seven of Nine, former Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Zero One?"

"Not _'former'_! And yes, make sure she doesn't leave."

"Oh, yes, of course." ***points to hiccupping guard***

"I thought you meant her. You know, it seemed a bit daft to me were I to guard her when she is already a Guard Drone."

"Is that clear now?"

_***hiccup***_

"Oh, quite clear. No problems with our directives."

"Indeed."

_***snicker***_

"Snickering is an unbecoming trait Seven of Nine."

"Perhaps I am thankful for escaping the Collective when I did, although I must admit, this is all very entertaining."

"Enjoy yourself while you can 'Princess', I will be back shortly."

…

"Where are you two Guard Drones going?"

"We are coming with you."

"No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure ***she*** doesn't leave. Comply."

"Oh, I see. Right. Complying."

_***snicker***_

_***sigh***_ "I'm getting too perfect for this shi…"

_Meanwhile…_

"Stop. Those who wish to traverse the Transwarp Conduit of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he or she would see."

"Captain! We don't have time for this! Seven could be in danger!"

"Easy B'Elanna, we'll get Seven back. Conduitkeeper, ask me your questions, I am unafraid."

"What… is your name?"

"My name is Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager."

"What… is your quest?"

"To rescue a crewmember of mine, Seven of Nine... ***mumbles*** ...and get some..."

"What… is your favourite colour?"

"Blue. Blue!"

"Go on. Off you go."

"Oh, thank you. Thank you very much."

"Pfft. That's it? That was easy, I can do this, no sweat."

"Careful Tom…"

"Nothing to worry about Lanna. Ask me the questions Conduitkeeper, I am not afraid."

"What… is your name?"

"Tom Paris, Helmsman Extraordinaire."

"What… is your quest?"

"To get in Seven's pants."

"WHAT!"

"Shh Lana, don't worry, I've still got a thing for you, besides, there is enough of me for the both of you if you want-"

"What… is the capitol of Douchebaggia?"

"Wha? I dunno- _Aaaaaaaahhhhhh…_"

"By Gramma Kim's pastries! He killed Tom!"

"…got what he deserved, I say…"

"Stop. What… is your name?"

"H-Harry Kim."

"What… is your quest?"

"To-to rescue S-Seven."

"What… is your favourite colour?"

"Blue. No, gre- _Aiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee…_"

"Poor Starfleet…"

"Hee hee heh. Stop. What… is your name?"

"It is B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer of the Federa-"

"Yes, yes. What… is your quest?"

"To rescue Seven of Nine and tell her I love her."

"What… is the vibrational frequency of a Borg enhanced hand?"

"Pre-or post Collective?"

"Huh? I… I don't know- _Arrrrrggggghhhhh…._"

"How do you know so much about the vibrational frequency of Borg enhanced appendages?"

"Well Chakotay, you gotta know these things when you're Chief Engineer, you know."

"Ok, let's get this show on the road. Who do we have left?"

_Upon encountering a Borg-enhanced Killer Rabbit that has already killed Chakotay several times over…_

"Great Gretchen's pot roast! I guess Chakotay couldn't appeal to its inner animal spirit after all… any ideas?"

"I've got one Captain… this."

"What am I looking at B'Elanna?"

"It's a Klingon Holy Hand Grenade."

"How does it… um… how does it work? Tuvok, any ideas?"

"I have not encountered this type of weapon before my Captain."

"Then consult B'Elanna's Big Book Of Klingon… stuff, or whatever."

"I can just tell you-"

"Quiet Lieutenant, Tuvok is going to read."

_***sigh***_ "Then he better look at Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one."

"I seem to have found it… _And Kahless the Mighty raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Me, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, showing no mercy." And Kahless the Mighty did grin. And the people did feast upon the gagh and targhs, and gladst and pipius claws, and warnogs and breakfast Mot'loch, and krada legs and large che..._"

"Skip a bit, Tuvok, it goes on for a bit."

"_And Kahless the Mighty did spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Klingon Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it_."

"Amen to explosions."

"Right then, as Captain, I believe I should be the one to throw the grenade. Thank you. One… two… five-"

"Three, Captain."

"-three!"

***BOOM***

_Later at Unimatrix Zero One, while B'Elanna is busy killing every drone in sight with her Bat'leth and Tuvok is trying to explain how illogical her actions are, the Captain seeks out Seven's cell, storming in and killing the guard drones before dropping to a knee to claim her long awaited prize…_

"Oh, fair Seven, behold, I, Captain Janeway am your humble love servant and I have come to take your virgin-"

"I do not think so. Besides, you would be several months too-"

"What? Oh, um… but I thought…"

"Thank you for rescuing me regardless, Captain, I am glad you got my secret subspace transmission."

"Um, well, I got ***a*** secret subspace transmission…"

"Then perhaps it was B'Elanna who inspired the rescue. I knew, I just knew that somewhere out there, B'Elanna was fighting furiously to-"

***romantic music swells***

"Stop that! Stop it! Stop right now! As Borg Queen I demand you comply!"

***music stops***

_***mutters***_ "Oh great..."

"Who do you think you are?"

"I am Seven of Nine, _former-"_

"No, not you!"

"You know who I am vile nemesis, I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager!"

"She has come to rescue me- hopefully with B'Elanna."

"Hold on there Seven, let's not jump to conclusions."

"Did you kill these guards? They were my best guard drones... which isn't saying much to be honest."

"Um... oh, yes! Sorry."

"Do you know how much time and money goes into making a good guard Drone, Captain Janeway?"

"Well, the thing is, I thought if I rescued Seven, she'd put out."

_***scoff***_

"Well, I can understand that. I must warn you though, she's been going on about this B'Elanna person since she got here. I was getting quite sick of it actually."

"Yes, well, I'll just go get her..."

"..."

"RAWR!" _***slice***_

"My arm!"

"That'll teach you, you Borg Queen bitch! Take my Seven..."

"B'Elanna!"

"I'm here Bang'wI, now stand aside, worthy adversary."

"'Tis but a scratch."

"A scratch? I cut your arm off."

"No it isn't."

"What's that then?"

"... I've had worse."

"You liar."

"Come on you pansy half-Klingon!"

_***slice***_

"Ha! Victory is mine! ***kneels*** I thank thee, Oh Mighty Kahless-"

_***thwump!***_

"-wha? Did you just kick me?"

"Come on, then."

"What?"

"Have at you!"

"You've got a pair, Borg Queen, but the fight is mine, I've killed all your drones-"

"Oh? Had enough, eh?"

"-and... look you stupid Borg, you've got no arms left!"

"Take this!"

"B'Elanna, love, can we please get out of here?"

"Just a moment Seven, if she thinks she can just dance around kicking me in the shins..."

_***slice***_

"Right, I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?"

"I am curious as well, you will do what to my love?"

"Come here!"

"What are you going to do, bleed Borg lubricant on me?"

"I'm invincible! I'm the alpha and the omega!"

"Okay... come on Seven, she's cracked."

"Indeed. The only time you and Borg lubricant should be associated together is when I scream your name after-"

"Take this!"

_***thump***_

"Ok, that's it, one leg left or not-"

_***slice***_

"-there. No arms left. No legs left. So long, your Borg-crazyness."

"All right, we'll call it a draw."

**_*sigh*_** "Here Seven, put this transport enhancer band on. Celes should have a lock on us now."

"I will not lie, I may miss this place."

"That's what the holodeck is for Be'nal. Let's go home."

"Yes, let's."

***shimmerrr***

"Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bitches! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your leg implants off!"

_...and so B'Elanna, Seven, and Tuvok all beamed back to Voyager. The Captain arrived some time later sporting a goofy grin and some dishevelled hair. Everyone seemed happy._

~FIN~

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><p><em>Pure sillyness to be sure. I was up at 5am and this is what happens.<em>


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